DON’T CATCH FEELINGS. CATCH FLIGHTS!

You have it all under control, or so you think. You like this guy and really enjoy his company. His presence always evokes a warm fuzzy feeling within you, a feeling of bliss and comfort. Things are at a level where there is absolutely no pressure on either side. You meet up when it is mutually convenient. You text as and when you both can… At this point, you are basically just friends, with the unlikely prospect of becoming exclusive.

You are single and you love the fact that you are in charge of your freedom. You come and go as you please, when it pleases you.

You flirt occasionally but it’s nothing hectic really. You get along really well and at this point you do not know where your friendship is going, and quite frankly, you just don’t care. I mean, why should you? After all, you have made a promise to yourself to be more careful when it comes to matters of the heart. Actually, you do not want to fall in love again and have resolved to carefully protect your heart.

A little chat here and a little chat there, the odd phone call once in a while, the occasional hanging out. No pressure… Nice! If he calls, he calls. If he texts, he texts. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Lovely, everyone is happy.

As time goes by, you start to see each other more and more. The chats increase in frequency too. The flirting intensifies and sooner than later, you become intimate. Heek, heek! Still, you believe you have the upper hand and that everything is under control. I mean you haven’t fallen in love, which is what you are carefully guarding against, right? You are not looking for marriage after all, you are merely enjoying your single life. All is well.

The arrangement seems to work well for both of you, and he makes it easier because, at no point has he proposed love to you. You are fine with that and actually grateful that he hasn’t attempted to string you along with false declarations of love. Days pass. Months pass, you and Mr. Cool guy remain very much in touch.    

Out of nowhere and almost suddenly, you begin to take note of a lot of things you never even bothered to pay attention to all along. You notice that he has not texted you “Good Morning”. You notice how fast or slow he texts back. You notice who between the two of you, is the first to text. You begin to count the number of days it has been since you were last together. You take note of his every word when he speaks and when he texts. You begin to feel a sense of nostalgia if so much as a day goes by without any communication. You want to chat with him for longer. You want him to stay for longer when you hang out. Out of nowhere, you feel incomplete without him, almost like a part of you is missing.

Right that very moment, you have an ephiphany! Yes, you have “caught feelings for the guy”! You have fallen for him hook line and sinker! You sit back and for a moment try to re-trace your steps. When did this happen? How did this happen? This was not a part of the ‘plan’. Were you not supposed to be in control of the situation? Why have you allowed yourself to develop feelings for someone who seems pretty content with having you as, as, as, well, as a Friend!! Hehehehehe!  I mean the guy has never, at any point, declared any love interest in you.

He seems oblivious of what is happening to you and you try as best as you can to conceal it. He is still his usual jolly, friendly, funny and well-mannered self.. And yes, he still has the brightest and cutest smile you have ever known! You resolve to try to detox yourself of “the feelings” in your own way, lest you ruin the friendship, err textationship, ah whatever you call it man! *sigh*

One fine evening while you are out with the girls, and after one too many shots of Vodka, you decide that you are going to come clean with the fella and tell him how you really feel about him. It is way past midnight when you decide to text him your little confession, which is quite jumbled up and downright hilarious, to be honest! You wake up the next morning, head still pounding and recall that you sent him a text! You are afraid to look at your phone, let alone open your WhatsApp messages. When you finally gain the courage to re-read your text, you ‘beat’ yourself up about it and hang your head in shame!

To my Ladies out there, “Beware the feelings”. And, if you are smart enough, “Don’t ever catch feelings, Catch flights Girrll!!!” Hahahahahaha!!!  Till next week, Much love!!

 

 

Heartbreak

Have you ever had your heart broken by somebody you love? I have. Not once, not twice, but three times. I have had my heart broken three times!  Hehehe… Yeah I know.. I have, or rather had, a BIG heart! 

It is often said you only suffer heartbreak once in your lifetime, but here I am, living proof that it can happen more than once.

I believe that there are various levels of heartbreak intensity. There is your normal heartbreak where you feel a reasonable degree of sadness but quickly get over it and get on with your life. Then there is The Mother of All Heartbreak! This is the one that makes you feel like you are gonna die from the pain. I suffered the latter. Yes, one two three times!  How the hell? Lol!

Looking back now, I have learned from my mistakes. You are not ready to love somebody until you learn to love yourself. By all means, Love, but first and foremost, remember to first love and totally appreciate who you are as an individual. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Be patient with yourself.

Why do some people commit suicide over failed relationships? Well, that’s because they feel like their lives are over after the object of their desire has hurt them or left them. It’s because they feel like they will not be able to live without that particular person. The truth is, you will live, just like you existed before that person came into their life.  It is not until we fully realise our value and worth as individuals that we learn to handle heartbreak differently and treat it as a learning curve, and not like it's the end of the world!

If a relationship fails, you have to accept that it has failed and move on with your life. No obsessing, no fantasizing about what might have been. Just get on with your life.             And if you don’t know how to do it, then ask me! Hehehe…

 

Bad Boys Need Love Too

It is called RealTalkRica. I don’t talk fairy-tale, I don’t talk fantasy. I talk real life experiences. MY life experiences. J

I have, over the years, often asked myself this question; “Why is it that I am (Ok WAS) always attracted to the Bad Boy?”

In all of my dating years, I have never been attracted to “Mr. Nice Guy”! I have always thought of nice guys as nerdy and of weak character. I have always  imagined life with Mr. Nice Guy to be BORINGGG, with prospects of him performing all the household chores like cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. Hehehe… Isn’t that what nice guys do?  I think it is.  Yep, so that is how I have always imagined life would be with a ‘softy’. I know this may be far from how things would turn out in reality but I have never given myself a chance to find out.  So for as long as I can recall, the nice guys have always been the ones to get turned down.. These are the guys whose calls are ignored. These are the guys whose date offers are rejected. But the Bad Boys, NOW those… those buggers were always given first preference AND a seat in the front row. Mwahahaha!!  *SMH*

My friends often frowned upon my choice in men because they felt our characters were worlds apart. I think the explanation lies right there; Opposites attract right, Right! There was always something about the wayward guy that triggered an adrenaline rush in me. The very things that others found annoying were the very things that turned me on. How so?.... Well, I liked the guy who spoke with authority, the one who oozed confidence, the brave one, the risk taker, the bully! Yeah, the type who gave me instructions to follow. Lol! Yes, instructions.. Especially in the You Know Where. Grrrrrr!!!

I know I am not the only one of the Female Species who has felt this way. And well, truth be told, bad boys can be sweetest guys under the sun when they want to, so their characters are often a combination of “Dr. Jaykel and Mr. Hyde”. Yes, It is always a guaranteed roller coaster ride!

There is the obvious downside to the Bad Boy though.. Yeah, heartbreak is inevitable... Oh the Bad Boy will make you CRY! He will cheat on you like a MF. He won’t come home. He will get into all sorts of trouble, especially with the law! Lol! So, God forbid, you WILL spend many a lonely night on a wet pillow (from your river of tears, tee hee!) with your cell phone still in your hand calling and/or waiting for him to call!

Bad Boys aint no Good, Good boys aint no fun, or are they?.....  There’s only one way to find out!! Heek heek….

 

 

GOODBYE - THE SADDEST WORD

After yet another sleepless night, I peeped outside to see if it was morning. It was already light. I picked up my cell phone from the side draw and checked the time. It was 5 a.m. 

He had finally drifted off to sleep after a tough night of restlessness, severe nose bleeding and difficulty breathing. We were in a Private Ward fortunately we didn’t have to share a bathroom with the other patients.  I pulled a light sheet over him and felt his body temperature. It seemed his temperature was high, again! I dashed to the Nurses’ station to inform them. Luckily, they followed me quite promptly, unlike other days where it would take them a long time to attend to us. The nurse came through and used a thermometer to check his temperature. Yes, it was very high. She gave him an injection, and assured me he would be fine. I made my way to the bathroom. It had been days since we had slept through the night and my eyes felt like they had sand in them. I brushed my teeth and took a quick bath.

I got back into the ward to find him seated in an upright position on his bed. I greeted him but he didn’t respond. He just looked at me. I offered him something to drink but he shook his head to signal that he did not want anything.  I applied lotion and got dressed for work. We had made an arrangement the night before with family, that someone would be coming to spend the day with him during the day while I was away at work.   

I still had some time before I was due to leave for work.  I went to the bathroom, filled one of the basins with warm water and come back into the room. He was still seated in an upright position but not talking..  He stared at me as if he wanted to tell me something.. I told him it was time for our ‘bed bath’. He wasn’t too happy about this! I could tell by the frown on his face.  I wet and soaped his facecloth and proceeded to dab him clean.  I gave him a clean change of clothes then reached for a fruit and gave it to him. He gave it a few bites but hardly seconds later, he was  throwing up.  I got a damp cloth and cleaned him up. He seemed frustrated. He had every reason to be! Every time he tried to eat something, his tummy wouldn’t hold it and he would throw up.  He shifted and lay down on his side, whilst I helped him adjust his pillow. I sat by his side and gently stroked his arm. We sat in silence whilst I waited on family.

Soon it was time for me to leave for work. I gave him a loving embrace and kissed him. I told him I loved him and that I would see him when I returned from work. He nodded to the affirmative.

I got into the car and made my way to work. Along the way, tears kept welling up in my eyes.  My heart was heavy. I began to speak with God, just as I did every day.  I asked him to have mercy upon us. I asked him to stretch his hand of grace and bring healing to his child. 

I arrived at work ten minutes late. My body was present but my heart was at the Hospital. I was afraid to ask, as had become the norm, for yet another day off. I had to be strong.

Every now and then I stood up from my desk and went to the bathroom to compose myself. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I looked at myself in the mirror and had a Pep talk with myself. “Be strong Rica”, I scolded myself. "You have got to keep yourself together. After a few minutes I felt confident enough to go back to my office.  I picked up the phone and called family to check on how he was doing. The report I got was not good. They had just put an oxygen mask on him. I hung up. Tears welled up once again. I was about to have a break down. “Keep strong, keep strong”. I muttered to myself. 

I got into the car and sped off to the hospital. I was an emotional wreck and thank God for getting me to the hospital in one piece. I rushed to the Ward. Two family members and my step daughter were standing outside crying. I feared the worst.  I dashed past them and into the Ward. There he lay, a completely different person to the one I had kissed goodbye in the morning. I reached for his hand and called his name. He did not respond. His eyes were open but he was not blinking. He was not moving. All I could hear was the loud sound of him gasping for breath and the sound of the oxygen tank.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I began to talk to him. I told him to keep strong. I told him not to give up. I begged him to keep going. It was evident, he had slipped into a coma. I knew that he could hear me even though he was not conscious.

I sat and the chair next to his bed, his hand still in mine. Hoping and praying... Two of his friends walked into the room. They greeted me and I mumbled a response, I could not stop my tears.. They called out his name but he did not respond. His eyes were still wide opened. His friends stood there, just as I sat there... We were all very quiet now.

The only sound in the room was his heavy breathing and the sound of the oxygen tank.  We stared at him helplessly.  About 15 minutes later, his breathing rhythm took a stranger twist.. He gasped and paused, and then gasped and paused! And then continued breathing…. And then paused again! He drew one long  and last deep breath and then there was an cold SILENCE!! I shook him and called out his name, one of his friends ran out to call the Nurse.  A nurse rushed in, she examined him. She firmly instructed us to step out for a bit and closed the door behind us. We were standing outside the door. We were crying quietly. We were numb. We were in shock. We heard the sound of the oxygen tank being switched off and our worst fears were confirmed.... he was gone! Gone forever....  A legendary soul went to sleep!

 

It was the summer of 2002, on a fine Saturday evening.  We had attended a wedding earlier in the day with the girls.  It was now around 5 p.m. and we were eager to paint the town red. Only one little problem, how was I gonna get my ‘Gate Pass’ (as in get out of the house), considering I had a very Traditional or should I say ‘Headmaster’ type of partner at the time. You see, going out with the girls was a rare luxury in the household.

The girls and I sat down and tried to compose and rehearse the perfect excuse for me to leave the house.  Halfway through a bottle of Spice Gold Rum, it seemed like the perfect plan to simply switch off my damn cell phone, put on my dancing shoes and head out to shake our fine asses on the dancefloor at Quartermains, Ezulwini.

The evening was going pretty well and we were all in high spirits. Rica was nice and tipsy and completely lost track of time.  It was only wayyy past midnight when I started to nag the squad about us heading home. They were still having a good time and assured me we would leave soon.  I realized that “soon” could easily become dawn, and that would mean me spending the next day in the ‘Dog Box’ back home.

I asked for the car keys from the girls under the pretext that I just wanted to relax in the car. They handed me the keys without any resistance. After all, there was no harm because I couldn’t drive, or so they thought.  It was in fact my second week at Driving School.  I unlocked the doors and took my position on the driver’s seat. I cranked up the engine and engaged reverse gear, balanced the pedals (just how my driving school instructor had taught me). The car moved quite smoothly. I was pleased with myself. Put the car into first gear , and off I went!  Yup, I had just stolen my friend’s car! Ok, stealing sounds like a strong word here. Let me rephrase, I had just driven off in my friend’s car without her permission. Phew, that sounds better! Hehehehe….  Right, Gear 2, then 3, then…… then nothing!  I stopped changing at Gear 3 ( I mean we had only gone as far as gear 3 at driving school)  Off I went on the highway, the car engine obviously in distress. I was enjoying myself. I felt like such a big girl, a Driver.

There were hardly any cars on the highway, no cops either. I turned up the volume on the stereo as I continued on my unauthorized drive home. I was singing along and having a little car party of my own and feeling good. I noticed that a couple of the cars that passed me along the highway kept flicking their lights at me. I was puzzled at first but didn’t think much of it. It was only when I approached the Nazarene traffic lights that it finally dawned on me that I had been driving all the way from Ezulwini to Manzini, with no lights. I quickly fiddled with the switches and managed to switch on the head lamps. I felt like a complete idiot for driving all the way with no lights but nonetheless, I was quite impressed with my cat’s eye night vision. 

In no time I was home. I drove into the yard, music still thumping and parked my “hot” wheels. Very much intact, without a single scratch! Just as I was about to knock on the door, I saw headlamps in the driveway. Lo & behold, the squad (my girls), hot on my heels, err wheels, in a Taxi.  Hehehehe.. The commotion that followed and the impending doom that awaited me inside the house, I will leave to your imagination. Let’s just say I was not a very pretty sight the next day, my face quite rearranged by lion in the den.    

My First Kiss

I was in High School, a young and naïve 15 year old.  He was in his final year of High School, cute lil fella he was. He had the cutest lips and I felt butterflies every time I saw him. He lived with his Uncle about 5 houses away from my house.  Looking back today, I find it quite strange that my first crush was actually coloured, just like myself.  Hehehe.... Let's just say that was the first and last I ever took a liking for Caramel.

I would see him every now and again when we crossed paths on our way to the local grocery shop or on the bus to school.  We would chat casually but I doubt it ever occurred to him that I was 'madly in love with', or so I thought.  He was always neatly dressed which obviously flamed my already ignited flame.   I would often day dream about him walking me down the aisle and us living happily ever after.  For me, at that point of my young life, he was The One.  I remember confiding in my sister Yvonne, about my undying 'love' for this dude and how she literally rolled on the floor laughing her lungs out, asking why I had fallen for a dude without eyelashes. Yup, for some reason, most likely medically, my Knight in Shining Armour lacked EYELASHES. I 'loved' him all the same.

It wasn't long before we started exchanging love letters.  These were the best. I could hardly sleep at night re-reading the lines of his fine handwriting. I remember how I would giggle to myself and feel like the luckiest girl alive.

It was a Saturday early evening and I was siting around a bon fire my siblings and I had made in the backyard.  He was taking a walk around the neighbour-hood and saw us.  He came over to say "Hi" and joined us around the fire. We were all chatting and joking and enjoying the warmth of the fire and also the beautiful view of the night sky.  To me it felt like a dream... I mean, there I was, seated around a fire, with my Prince Charming!  Anyway, it wasn't long before my siblings slipped into the house to go to bed. Soon it was just me, my crush and my older sister remaining outside...  All I wanted was for big sis, Yvonne, to get her nosy self into the house so that I could gaze at the stars with 'my' dude.

Yup, it was as if she could read my mind... She stood up to go to the bathroom.  Now it was just the two of us, much to my childish delight.  Almost instantly, my cute crush stood up and came over to me, I knew then that I was just about to experience my very first kiss. It didn't last long, 4 seconds I think. I don't know if I can actually call it a kiss because it was more teeth than those cute lips I day dreamed about. So, in 4 seconds, my very first kiss, err bite, was over!! Damn!! Never mind that I had not the foggiest clue of what was expected of me as a form of participation in the 4 second kiss. I do recall that I did absolutely nothing. I just kept my lips glued together until I felt those teeth!  No sooner had my sister returned from the bathroom, than I hastily made my way back into the house! My lil Vampire disappeared into the night right after he almost dug his 'fangs' into me.  I was lucky to escape with just a slightly swollen upper lip. Hehehehe.... My sister followed me into the house and asked what had happened? "Nothing I replied".  As I lay in bed that night, all the warm and fuzzy feelings I had developed came to an abrupt end!  If this was what it felt like to kiss somebody, I did not want it again, ever!  And that was the end. The end of my crush. The end of my first kiss.

Oh, I have deliberately not mentioned his name. Just in case he is lurking somewhere on FB. Hehehehehe, lurking Vampire!!!