HOW LONG SHOULD YOU MOURN

In simple terms, mourning refers to the expression of grief or sorrow, usually subsequent to the death of a loved one.

In addition to the pain one experiences after the death of a loved one, there is always another challenge that lies ahead- Society’s expectation of how you should mourn your loss.

Expectations of what you can or cannot do, where you may or may not go, what you can or cannot eat, how to dress, etcetera!

The reality is; everyone has their own unique experience with grief because we all have our own unique emotions.

There is no typical loss. Therefore, there is no typical response to loss.

For instance, sudden losses may cause a stronger sense of loss (initially) as opposed to more ‘predictable’ losses, such as a loss as a result of a terminal illness.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross famously compiled five stages of emotional reaction to death as follows;

1)      Denial

2)      Anger

3)      Bargaining

4)      Depression

5)      Acceptance

 

However, worth noting is the fact that these five steps were actually used to describe a person’s feelings regarding his/her own imminent death, usually upon being diagnosed with a terminal health condition.

 

For the above reason, reference to these five steps as Universal Stages of Mourning or grief is inaccurate.

 

Mourning is a very individual experience and it is wrong to expect a person in mourning to express themselves or carry themselves in a way that you deem appropriate. You are not that person and that person is not you.

 

Also, there is no time frame when it comes to mourning. Whilst your grief may stay with you for weeks or months, the full mourning process may take years, or even a lifetime. Every mourning experience is unique.

 

People should be allowed to handle their grief in their own way.  They should be allowed to deal with the pain in their own way and not judged or condemned.

 

Who is to say that just because you have lost a loved one you are not allowed to be active on Facebook? Who is to say that you are not allowed to go out for dinner? Who is to say that you cannot dress up and look beautiful?

 

Why is it that Society expects you to shun away from the world? Why is it that you are expected to be a river of tears day in and day out? Why is it that you are expected to dress shabbily and not take care of yourself?

 

There is no such thing as a “prescribed” mourning period and there is no such thing is the “perfect” way to mourn.

 

Society needs to stop being so judgmental and just let mourning people be!

 

The least you can do when someone is mourning the death of a loved one is to show them love, show them kindness, lend them an ear, be a shoulder to cry on, pray for and with them, be their strength when they are weak, but most importantly, just let them be!

 

Till next week, much love and God Bless!

 

Would You Tell?

You are knowledgeable that your friend’s partner is cheating. What do you do?

Do you call your friend up immediately and spill the beans or do you step back and think carefully about it before you decide what to do.

You may feel disgusted by the infidelity and you may feel that telling your friend about it is the right thing to do, but is it really?

I do not think there is any right or wrong way to handle this and at the end of the day, we have different approaches and values when it comes to loyalty and monogamy as a whole.

Relationships dynamics are complex and no two relationships are exactly the same.

Nowadays, it has become almost ‘normal’ to have more than one partner, more especially with the male species. I am told that most guys want to have a main girlfriend and also a secret lover also known as a “Side Chick”. Very few guys stay true to one partner.

Now, with the ever changing times, woman have changed the status quo and it is now very common to find woman with a steady partner AND a secret fella on the side, also known as a “Side Dude”.

Anyway, back to the subject matter, what is the right thing to do when faced with the knowledge that your friend’s partner is cheating?

You may decide to tell your friend about it and watch as he/she breaks down and tries to handle the heartbreak. Usually, one of two things happens after you tell. Your friend may end the relationship or decide to stay and work things out.

As I mentioned earlier, relationship dynamics are complex, thus you may end up having a fall out with your friend after you have spilled the beans. Why? There is a popular siswati saying that goes; “Indzaba yebantfu lababili ayingenwa” loosely translated “Do not involve yourself in any matter that pertains to two lovers”.

When all is said and done, if two people love each other, they will try to work things out as opposed to ending the relationship. On the other hand, you as the Whistle Blower risk falling out with your friend because it is not difficult for their significant other to turn the tables and make it appear that you are either lying about it or purely jealous about the relationship.

Okay, let us weigh the Pros and Cons of Spilling the Beans;

What happens if you turn a blind eye? Well your friend is being ‘played’ and is none the wiser. All is well in their world. Nobody gets hurt. Where ignorance is bliss ‘tis folly to be wise, right? Well this is a very tricky one. For instance, you may opt to be silent about the infidelity but what happens if six months down the line, your friend contracts some dread disease as a result of said infidelity? You would probably blame yourself wouldn’t you? But then again, we need to remember this; at the end of the day, the issue of ensuring that you do not expose yourself to Sexually Transmitted Infections rests with you, not your friend, and certainly not your partner. You are responsible to protect YOU.  

I did say we have different opinions pertaining to this topic and mine may not necessarily be favourable to you.

You know, from early childhood, my mother always told me to stay out of other peoples’ business. Growing up, I do not recall a single incident whereby my mother was involved in gossip drama. I do not recall anyone budging into our house hot under the collar,  to confront my mother over any neighbourhood gossip- Ever!

It is a principle I adopted from an early age, minding my own business.

It has worked for me over the years and it keeps me out of trouble.

 

Much love and God Bless, till next week!!

Hey, It’s Ok..

… to find another parking spot when required to parallel park

… if your wig accidentally slides off while you are making out with your dude

… if the only body warmth you get on a cold night is that of your fat fluffy cat

… to picture yourself walking down the aisle with the love of your life

… if your stalking skills would put an FBI agent to shame

… if your Mac lipstick is not the original

… if your best karaoke voice sounds similar to a cat in distress

… if you are not too proud of yourself when you look at your call register and       sent texts the next day after a hectic night out with your girlfriends

... to gobble down a whole slab of chocolate at once - because chocolate

…  to pay for a full month’s gym subscription but only manage to attend twice

… if you are slightly older than your dude- because Cougar Town

… if you have a crush on Tyrese Gibson

… to admit that you actually enjoy watching Tom and Jerry at your age

… if you have not the foggiest understanding of politics but think that Jacob Zuma, Julius Malema and Donald Trump are great comedians

... to take his call on the first ring after telling your Bestie you were done with him   

… to gulp down a litre of pineapple juice on your way to visit your dude- because sweet you know where

… to skip Sunday bathing and conveniently blame the water rationing situation

… if you and your girl-squad each pitch in coins on a mid-month weekend to buy yourselves the cheapest boxed wine available  

… to skip the party just so you can spend quality time with your dude

… to admit that your cooking skills suck    

 

No, it’s NOT Ok

... to flirt with your friend’s dude

… to run your mouth about petty gossip

… to stay with a dude that beats you up

… if you neglect to have regular health check-ups which include being tested for HIV, Cancer and other potentially harmful conditions

… to steal wine from my cellar